Wizard of Oz & Porcupines

Allergy pills, what a knock out.

Some years I can handled these seasonal allergy setbacks by just overdosing on Vitamin C and 125mg B-complex pills but, this year it seems like it's going to be one of them that kicks at me like a wild bronc, because I've needed to resort to the 'pill' (antihistamine tablet). These are the type that within a hour of taking you're raw meat for the dogs and you don't care.

Now go ride a bicycle...

Mid-morning - 3 miles into my ride, fighting my way through the dull headache, the drowsiness, eyes on fire and itching with every spin of the wheel. I stop at a large party store to get a couple bottles of water because in my half awake state I forgot mine. I walk through wearing my black fully padded mountain biking shorts. Most times I don't think twice about these, but walking around in the store this day, I feel like I'm wearing a full diaper with two long rubbery, hairy legs attached.

Outside again and on the bike, I pedal off down the road, heading towards what's call around here the 'Farley Ride'. A ride I INVENTED and MAPPED 4 years ago, that takes place on local dirt roads, go's for some 12 odd miles, contains numerous small hills and 2 - 200 to 300 foot high hills that are graded at 15 to 20 degrees and at one point on the 2nd one, you go about the last 100 feet that I swear has to be a 30 degree angle. Yeah , right! 2 - 2-1/2 years ago I would do the whole route between 50 - 55 minutes, fly up them hills and feel like Rocky beating Apollo, today it has taken me all of a hour just to pedal the 5 miles from my house.

As in the words of Phil Liggett in reference to Chiappuci! - "He's crazy. He's always been crazy, and what on EARTH is he doing?"

What am I doing? I'm going to break myself from my slump or break me. I hate myself for getting in this shape, I hate the world, I hate my bike, I hate my dog and I don't even have a dog so I hate myself for that too...

I pedal the roads, the first small hill I come too (we're talking small ^) I end up pushing my bike up half of it, Oh God, what am I doing??? I'm panting already and my legs burn.

I keep telling myself, get on the damn bike and ride. I try to remember what that John Wayne saying was "Courage is being scared to death but saddling up anyway." What does he know he rode a stupid horse...

I try to relax by focusing on my breathing, telling myself over and over slowly breathe in, slowly breathe out, relax. My bike computer tells me I have about 7 miles left. OH MY GOD! I thought I was done already... I breathe faster.

Ok another 2 miles and the first big hill looms just in the distance - so far 6 miles and my jersey and shorts are as wet as a pile of seaweed. I stop at the foot of the hill, first mistake! HA! What do I mean first mistake... I go about 30 feet and walk the rest of the way up. My legs are still rubber and I scream out at no one "I'm not dancing in my pedals" here Phil!

Zooming down the backside and onto the second one. I start to become dizzy and my head seems very heavy - I didn't bring any energy bars with me. I'm pedaling at 7 miles a hr!!!! on flat road!!!!!! a chipmunk out races me to hill #2.

I start calling everything into question, all my strength shrinks. Just call someone to come pick you up, stupid... I get off the bike and walk it.

Hill #2 - houses on left and right of it and it winds uphill in a S shape, finishing near the top with a lazy J shape




you can't see the end of it from the bottom of it. I stand at the bottom and drink some water...

My stomach throbs and aches, I'm exhausted, I'm insane! I start singing to myself the Wizard of Oz song.

I ponder and think of the 3 ways out of this, one is to turnaround and go back the 15 odd miles I just came, the second is to walk through peoples yards and state woods to the main road 3 mile East. The third way is to climb somehow, someway. I must have been crazy 4 years ago to think this route up and yet many a local cyclists have rode this roads since then and have told me they never knew these hills were here. Some people just don't get out much, I assume...

A truck comes by and stops to ask if I'm alright, I wave yeah and their on their way. I laugh, I must look really BAD!

Getting on my bike I head up the hill and pedal, I am completely burnt! A look at my computer tells me I'm climbing @ 3 miles a hr. Laughing and thinking to myself that there's no reason to rush into hell.

Hell will have to wait for me to ride to it, a third of the way I get off and walk, pushing the bike up the hill... I try once more getting on and I pedal for about 20 feet and get back off...

At the top I throw the bike down to the side and sit at the edge of the road, complete toast. My diaper feeling shorts weight 10 lbs. My jersey has turned from light blue to dark purple. Panting, short gasping breaths and my legs are killing me, I'm delirious, I remember reading somewhere about porcupines that steal shoes, I look down at mine to see if their still there - I still have to ride home 3 miles! But the good news is 200 feet of it is downhill. LOL "we're off to see the Wizard"

After 15 minutes I struggle up from the ground and get on my bike, zooming down the hill, the fast rushing breeze chills me through my wet clothes. I ride the rest of the way back to my house at a snails pace, looking down at my shoes...

♫ Lions and Tigers and Bears - Oh My! ♫